I have a confession. I have let myself get completely off track. As most of you, who know me personally, I often speak about the power of positivity and how it has changed my life. I firmly believe it with all my heart and every breath in my body. I have seen the proof in my life that when you focus on the good, keep your eyes fixed on the positive, the good gets even better.
Lately, I have a felt a familiar yet extremely uncomfortable feeling. A feeling that I can best describe as hopelessness, out of control, forgetful, foggy-brained, extreme stress, and fatigue. Thankfully, though I wish it would have been a bit sooner, I picked up on this quickly. I know that most of the time in the past few years I have NOT felt like this, I have felt the opposite.
This feeling I am describing was familiar because it was the way I felt most of the time when I was living in toxicity. I can sit here in all my vulnerability and tell you that it is the earthly equivalent to living in hell. My past month has been filled with sleep disturbances, hives, body tremors, stomach in knots, nerves, fatigue, living in fear, and a nearly constant state of being triggered.
As humans, it is normal for triggers to arise. We cannot control when they come or how they come but we can choose how we let it effect our lives. We can above all control the attention we give to the trigger.
Yesterday, after a personal line was crossed and a trigger went a little too far. I decided to go on a search for a counselor. Someone to help me find my center again, to help me set and maintain boundaries, to guide me to the restoration of my personal power, and to help me navigate the murky waters that have been placed in front of me.
During my search for someone to do the things I mentioned, one asked me, to describe a little about my life. It was in that moment that something clicked. I uttered the words, “my life is wonderful.” I spoke my truth. My authentic, from my heart, truth.
I explained a little further, thankful to have a non-judgmental ear on the other end. I told her how I have pulled myself out of the unexpected devastation of being abandoned by someone I trusted, how I overcame my daughters traumatic birth, how I have explored my inner child and forgiven people from my past, how I have battled codependency, how I went on a journey of self-love, self-understanding, and self-forgiveness. I have worked tirelessly to cultivate a deeper connection with my children, to repair my credit, and closed on my first home. I told her how in doing these things I attracted a healthy independent relationship and we live a great life together.
So, after hearing my truth out loud, I wondered – why do I feel the way I do when there’s absolutely no reason in my personal life for it. It is because I gave my attention to a bully. A bully who has made a mission to spread negativity and torment into my life. It’s a known fact that misery loves company. I can rise above and forgive. In a battle of light and darkness, light always wins.
Could it really be that simple? Once I slowed down, went within, and got honest with myself. I realize that once the surface noise is drowned out the truth is always simple. Today, I publicly vow to take my power back. To spend my energy talking about all things good, to love on my family and friends, to be present, to honor the ones who are positive influences in my life. I vow to always strive to be and display light, to do the right thing, and to appreciate everything.
“But, when do I let go?
You just let go.
But, how do I let go?
You just let go.
What happens when I let go?
You just let go.” – L.May
Living the Lacuna 